Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Tom DeLay

[Recycled from one of my other blogs]

About ten years ago I was in Edinburgh. It was raining heavily. There was a high wind. I had to tilt my umbrella at an angle to stop the rain being blown at me. I turned a corner and the wind was blowing straight at me, so I lowered my umbrella in front of me to keep off the rain, thereby restricting my forward vision.

A few steps later, I trod on something unknown (because I couldn't see what was in front of me). From the feel under my foot, I thought it was a woman's handbag (that's "purse" if you're in the US) containing pens, cosmetics, a purse (that's "pocketbook" if you're in the US) and other objects. It had a squishy feel overall but with solid objects within. I looked down to see what I had stepped on, expecting at any moment to have to apologize abjectly to the woman in front of me for stepping on the handbag (that's still "purse" if you're in the US) that she had just dropped and have to offer to pay for all the stuff I had broken by stepping on it.

When I looked down I saw the biggest turd I had ever seen. Not only that, it was fluorescent orange. It must have come from a dog since there are no larger animals wandering the pavements (that's "sidewalks" if you're in the US) of Edinburgh, so the dog must have been a labrador that had been constipated for several weeks. It was a gigantic turd, and full of undigested objects of different consistencies (hence my belief that I had detected pens under my foot). And it stank to high heaven. It was rancid. The worst turd I had ever smelled (and my own turds can often beat the Guinness Book of Records for stench).

So I walked my way to the bus station scraping my shoe at every opportunity. Since there was heavy rain, the water aided to remove this turd. However, as well as being fluorescent orange and disgustingly smelly, it also had the adhesive powers of superglue. So when I got on the bus (out of the wind that had kept most of the stench from my shoe away from my nose) I was aware of an evil smell - as were those around me who moved to seats well away from me. When I got home I had to scrub the shoe repeatedly under running water to remove the remaining evil supergluey crap and then throw the brush away because it was forever contaminated.

It is only now since pResident George Wanker Bush stole power and I started following US politics that I realize that I had stepped in some Tom DeLay (i.e., a really evil shit).

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