Friday, January 13, 2006

Pat Robertson Fucks Up Again

Well, well, well. Talebangelical Pat Robertson has been forced to eat crow yet again. Any sane person would have learned by now not to make moronic remarks, but Robertson is far from rationality. Look at just a few of his past idiocies:

  • After 9-11, Robertson and Falwell immediately stated that God had allowed it to happen because of all the adultery, homosexuality and all the other behaviours inimical to the Talebangelical creed that were taking place in the US.

    After national outrage, Robertson and Falwell were forced to retract those comments and apologize.

  • Robertson called for Hugo Chavez to be assassinated by the US.

    After national outrage, Robertson lied by claiming he had been misquoted and had said no such thing.

    After recordings of Robertson calling for Chavez to be assassinated had been widely disseminated, Robertson made some feeble excuse about his earlier lie and apologized.

  • After a newly-elected Dover School Board overturned its predecessor's intention to teach "Intelligent Design," Robertson said that Dover could no longer rely upon God's favour and deserved every misfortune that befell it because Dover had "rejected God."

    It was then pointed out (though not as widely as it should have been) that "Intelligent Design" was a very shoddy attempt at rebadging "Creationism" in an attempt to sneak religion into the classroom and that the very last thing its adherents wanted was for the courts to get the idea that it really was Creationism under a new name. Robertson's comment that Dover had rejected God made it quite clear that Robertson believes "Intelligent Design" is a way of sneaking God into the classroom.

    Own goal, Robertson...

Robertson's latest own-goal is as moronic as ever (perhaps more so than usual). Like all the Talebangelicals, Robertson is looking forward to the end-times coming. Like all the Talebangelicals, Robertson believes that the end-times cannot come until all the Jews of the world have relocated to Israel. Like all the Talebangelicals, Robertson is a strong supporter of Israel and is 100% behind Israel torturing and killing Palestinians, and illegally annexing their land, in order to drive the Palestinians out of Israel so that the "master race" are the only inhabitants (the historical allusion I used is deliberate, because the parallels are so strong).

So when Sharon decided to pull some settlers out of some parts of Palestinian lands that Israel has illegally occupied, Robertson went apeshit. It didn't matter to Robertson that Sharon was giving up some annexed land as a tactic to gain control of Jerusalem (which is far more eschatologically important). So when Sharon suffered a stroke, Robertson naturally claimed it was the work of God because God wants Israel to be occupied by Jews and nobody else:

God considers this land to be his, You read the Bible and he says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.'

That's unambiguous: according to Robertson, parts of Israel must not be carved off and given to non-Jews. The only problem is that Robertson was part of a group who wanted to build a "Christian Heritage Complex" (no doubt one that celebrates Christ's love of golf by incorporating an 18-hole course) in Israel. Which would require carving up part of Israel and letting the Talebangelicals use it. Of course, the Christian Heritage Complex would pay rent, so they weren't exactly being given it, so Robertson wasn't being entirely hypocritical.

Israel, of course, reacted predictably to Robertson and told him to fuck off. Robertson, of course, reacted predictably by once again apologizing for being a complete dickhead.

Now here's what puzzles me. Robertson (like Dubya) claims that God speaks to him all the time and tells him what to do and what to say. And yet Robertson (like Dubya) repeatedly fucks up. How can this be? I can think of several possible explanations (which Robertson would dispute and say were completely wrong):

  1. Robertson does not believe in the Bible and God does not speak to Robertson. Robertson is a con-man preying on the poor and disadvantaged by telling them that only if they save money by going hungry and wearing patched clothes and send that money to Robertson will they go to Heaven. Robertson then spends the money on mansions, cars, private aircraft, and the very best food.

  2. Robertson believes the crap he spouts but either there is no God or God chooses not to speak with a buffoon like Robertson. The voice Robertson hears in his head is not God but a hallucination.

  3. Robertson believes the crap he spouts but whenever he talks to God he's dialling the wrong number. Instead of God giving Robertson advice, it's Satan.

However, there is also an explanation that accepts that Robertson sincerely believes the crap he spouts, and that he is talking with God rather than Satan, yet still he gets bad advice. The explanation is that God thinks Robertson desperately needs to gain some humility. God is deliberately feeding Robertson advice that will make Robertson look dumber than a box of rocks lying in a pile of shit in the hope that one day Robertson will gain a little humility.

If teaching Robertson a lesson in humility is why God is putting such nonsense into Robertson's mouth, it doesn't seem to be working. Perhaps that is also why God appears to have cursed Robertson with constipation. Certainly, if Robertson were constipated it would explain why he is so full of shit.

Maybe God has gone a step further than simple constipation and cursed Robertson with hæmorrhoids (which make constipation even worse and far more painful). It sure looks that way. And it make sense too, because the last people God cursed with hæmorrhoids were the Philistines (now called Palestinians) for stealing the Ark of the Covenant. And just as God (in Robertson's insane opinion) punished Sharon for giving Israeli land to the Palestinians, it is only fair that God punish Robertson - in the same way that he did the Philistines (as the Palestinians used to be known) - by giving him constipation and hæmorrhoids.

BTW, it is well worth reading this account of just how God punished the Philistines. The Biblical account in Samuel I is a little difficult to follow (especially as the Babble Bible chose to Bowdlerize matters by referring to hæmorrhoids as "emerods"), whereas the retelling I have linked to explains things in a more comprehensible (and hilarious) fashion. Read how God kills the Philistines and then smites them with hæmorrhoids (gives an entirely new meaning to "grapes of wrath"). Read how the dead Philistines decide to return the Ark along with five golden statues of mice and five golden statues of their hæmorrhoids in the hope that God will stop punishing them (no, I'm not making this up, it's in the Babble Bible).

Robertson and the Talebangelicals are far more interested in Old Testament rules and punishments than New Testament rules, even though as (nominal) Christians the New Testament should take precedence and the Old Testament should be examined merely for historical interest in the old requirements that were superceded once Jesus got nailed to a cross. So it's only fitting that Robertson be cursed with constipation and emerods. And, since Robertson has conned so much money out of the gullible, he'll certainly be able to buy enough gold to make many statues of mice and hæmorrhoids with which to buy off God's wrath.


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