Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I Just Did a Big Shit on the Constitution

It was this big. Seriously. It was a monster. Turdzilla! And, man, did it reek! Laura threatened to call in the UN Chemical Weapons Inspection Team because she said it was giving off a poisonous gas. Laura also told me I'm not allowed to eat Burritos any more, but I'm the President and she can't stop me - if I eat them when she's not around.

I want to make it clear that it was perfectly legal to take a dump on the Constitution. Torquemada - that's my nickname for Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez - explained it to me: I am acting within my Constitutional authority as Commander-in-Chief. Not only that, see, Congress approved "all necessary and appropriate force" in the War on Terra. And, boy, did I have to strain hard to force that sucker out - it brought tears to my eyes.

Anyway, like I said before, the terrists hate us because of our freedoms, so if I take away your freedoms the terrists will love us and the War on Terra will be over. That's why I'm going to take a massive shit on the Constitution tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. And I'll keep on shitting on the Constitution until you have no freedoms left. And then the terrists will love the US and will no longer try to destroy the US by taking away your freedoms.

Now I know there are some people, people who are currently allowed to disagree with me without ending up in Gitmo, who say that I shouldn't crap on the constitution. I respect their right to their opinions, at least until the new, improved USA PATRIOT Act passes, but by having this discussion they are aiding my enemies. After all, the Constitution is just a goddamn piece of paper.

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