Saturday, October 29, 2005

Presidential Choice of Pet

Surprising as it may seem, the presidential choice of pet is important. The choice between a cat and a dog is a key indicator of the relationship between the President and the people.

As we are all aware, cats and dogs differ in almost all respects. But there is one way in which they are identical: you establish the relationship with eye contact.

With a dog, you stare it down. You look into its eyes. You don't look away even if it's snarling and looks about to attack. You don't even blink. Eventually, the dog will look to the side as though bored, but you must keep your eyes on it. After a few seconds the dog will look back at you and it must see that your gaze has not shifted. The dog may look away several more times, and you must remain steadfast. Eventually the dog concludes that you are the boss and will either try to be friendly or run away shitting itself with fear.

With a cat you look briefly into its eyes then close your eyes. Then scrunch up your eyelids really tight. Then turn your head to the side for five or ten seconds, with your eyelids still scrunched shut. Then slowly turn your head back to where the cat was (and may, if you're lucky, still be). Then slowly unscrunch your eyelids. Finally, open your eyes. If all went well the cat is still where it was and it now knows that it is the boss. Actually, the cat knew it was the boss all along, it just wanted to know if you knew that too, in which case the cat might adopt you as a servant/pet.

Now consider what a President is meant to be. The US Constitution says that government is by, of and for the people. The President is a tool the people choose to use in order to deal with boring things that they'd prefer to delegate to a public servant (but only as long as he behaves himself and follows their wishes). The President is there to do the bidding of the people, not vice-versa. Some Presidents have lived up to the ideal and considered the people to be the boss. Other Presidents have let power go to their heads and decided that they know better than the people and they are the boss.

So what does the Presidential choice of pet indicate? A dog means that the person owning it wants a servile puppet who will do his every bidding and treat him as a god. A cat means that the person the cat temporarily adopted as a servant/pet, for only as long as the cat deems it beneficial, is a decent person with a respect for the rights and desires of other beings. Consider the two:

  • The dog is hungry. It crawls over to its God in supplication because it knows its God occasionally deigns to feed it. Sometimes its God doesn't feed it, but that's because Gods are incredibly busy with lots of other things to do, so that's OK. The dog prays to its God for food by rearing up on its hind legs and drooping its front paws. Sometimes that gets its God's attention, sometimes it doesn't, but that's OK because Gods have lots of things to do. Sometimes it even has the temerity to try to remind its God that it is hungry by licking its God: when it was a puppy and after it had been weaned it would lick its parent's muzzles and they would regurgitate solid food for it, but that rarely seems to work with God. (And why would it? Gods must feed in different ways from mere dogs.)

    The cat is hungry. It reminds its servant/pet that it is the servant/pet's duty to feed it by rubbing the servant/pet's legs. If the cat doesn't get fed fairly quickly, it is likely to claw the servant/pet then look for a new servant/pet to adopt.

  • The dog needs a crap. It knows God gets terribly upset and wreaks fearful vengeance if the dog craps in the house, so it keeps it in. The dog keeps wandering over to the door in the hope that God will divine that it needs a crap, but knows that God is terribly busy doing God-like things. Finally, the dog starts howling in pain, even though he knows that God hates it when he howls. Even though he is busting for a crap, the dog keeps it in until God permits it.

    The cat needs a crap. The cat litter hasn't been changed for two days and is too smelly to use. If the servant/pet can't be bothered to change the litter, it needs to be taught a lesson. So the cat craps in the servant/pet's shoe. The servant/pet had better fucking learn or it's going to be replaced.

  • God hasn't been paying much attention to the dog lately. The dog really hates it when God doesn't pay attention and pet him, but Gods are far too busy to cater to a dog's every whim.

    The servant/pet has been a bit slow on the uptake recently. Not getting the right brand of catfood and fobbing the cat off with some cheap crap. Fuck you, servant/pet, you had your chance, now you're history.

George Wanker Bush has pet dogs. Enough said.


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